Divine Intervention

There was a warm glow emanating around the very Holy room. Ten angels were standing in a semi-circle when God entered, His presence filling the room. He knew not why He had been summoned, just that He had. The fact the all-knowing God did not know the purpose of the meeting should have been a tip off.

“God,” said one of the angels in the centre of the semi-circle, “You have a problem.”

“I do not, Damian,” said God, who could at least recall names. “I am God. I can do no wrong.”

“What about the platypus?” said the angel John, who was standing at one end of the semi-circle.

“That wasn’t a mistake, I just thought it would be funny to play a prank on the English when they eventually discovered Australia,” said God, amused.

“This isn’t about the platypus,” said Damian.

“You’ve been using spliff for the last eighteen months,” said the angel Francis, who was standing to the right of Damian, only one angel separating them.

God did a sort of shifty eye look and hoped no one noticed. “Have not,” He said.

“We have evidence,” said the angel Evan.

“Things we do not think you would have done if it had not been for the spliff,” added the angel Gareth.

“Like the plague of locusts in the Indian submarine,” said the angel Abraham, who was standing on the other end of the semi-circle from John.

“It is not my fault if they do not know how to prevent insects from entering an underwater vessel,” said God, shifting His weightlessness uncomfortably.

The angels went around the semi-circle, adding more evidence.

“What about the sausage rain in Cardiff?” asked the angel Byron.

“Or turning the Red Sea blood red?” asked the angel Claude.

“I am not sure what you were thinking when you erupted active and inactive volcanos and sunk Hawaii,” said Damian.

“And why did you think it would be fun to make money grow on trees near Uluru?” asked Evan.

“Well,” God interrupted, “People would still have to work hard for that money, wouldn’t they? It’s in the middle of nowhere!”

“Live dinosaurs in the Gobi Desert?” asked Francis.

“They were only little ones,” said God.

“What about the elephant you dropped from the sky into the centre of Manhattan?” asked the angel Gareth.

“Or the three-tonne flies that flew into Pakistan?” asked the angel Harold.

“Blue snow in Montreal,” said the angel Isaac.

“And nude beaches,” added John.

“I had nothing to do with nude beaches,” said God, “Man has been doing that since I created Adam and Eve.”

“They haven’t all been nude since then, though,” said John. “How do you explain everyone’s swimwear and clothes disappearing as soon as their feet hit the sand? Everywhere in the world?”

“Oh, that,” said God, and He shifted uncomfortably again.

“We’re taking away your weed,” said Francis. “And you have to fix this.”

God frowned. “Can I just have one last toke?” He asked.

“No,” agreed all ten angels at once.

God slumped His whole self forward and left the room the way a four year old would after he had been told off.


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